2006-11-22 - 1:23 p.m.
Well I haven't been here in a very long time, nto shared my thoughts, my feelings. It probably would of helped loads if i carried on adding entrys.
Well Where Do I Start, I have kind of forgotten what happened close to when i last added an entry. That must of be a month ago, atleast. Alot has happened since then. Since then, I feel i know myself more. And matured alittle. College has been hectic, But im clinging on :) Work has been good too, Not the best pay, but its something.
A couple days or a week after the last entry, Me and Yasmin have had an up and down time. With some major arguements, and some little. It seemed to easy to argue. It's not us. We are totally different people when put into a situation like that. I know Yasmin isn't like that, And Yasmin should know im not like it when everything is fine. Fine, What an annoying word. What is fine?
I understand myself alot more, With a talk last night. We admitted to everything, We confessed. More so me. Everything I have kept a secret, locked up inside of me, I have now told Yasmin. Yes i know i should of told her right from the start. But i wasn't sure unless she would go crazy at me. It's not something you want to hear, Neither do i want to admit. I have done some stupid stuff in my past, of course i regret it, but in a way, im glad i told yasmin. Infact i feel so proud telling Yasmin, I felt so ashamed about it all. And the way she took it was superb. That night, That was the Yasmin i know :) Not the sarcastic comments, straight forward replies. Understanding Yasmin, The Yasmin I love. I know for sure i will never do anything like that again, I have tried it, and never again. I basicly kept it as a secret (Mollins Thing) Because i was afraid people would actually think i am gay, although people can think im gay, fair enough. But it just gets to me, because i have tried, But i regret it and dont like it at all. Thats why im so touchy about gay guys i suppose, or people thinking im gay. I have nothing against them at all, As one of my family members is Gay, You have to respect that.
"No More Secrets, No More Lies" (Papa Roach Song) I have prolonged it for too long now. And i felt so calm last night, so guilty for lieing at first to Yasmin. It just affected me, I can't lie to Yasmin anymore. She doesn't deserve it, Nor will it help us get back together. Back together you hear me say, Yes, I can't just stop wishing for things. But me and yasmin are such good friends, I feel we are, Especially after the talk last night, it brought us so closer, understanding each other. It was hard yes, But it needed to be said, Eventually.
Now that we are so close, and calm together. Not our arguementive old selfs, I hope thats left behind. I want to see her so bad, Before Christmas. Yasmin has been allowed to take time of for school and visit me. When I heard this i was so chuffed, so happy to here shes coming. When asked my mum n dad they, Disagreed with me. They are not allowing her to stay. They dont seem to understand how Much This Young Lady means to me, Serously. If i wanted one present, It's Yasmin Willerton I want to have. I want to cuddle up at christmas, I want to share the warmth, I want us to get back to good terms. I want us to be together in person. I want doesn't get, My mother Says.
I absolutly stress at my mum and dad, As they have such shitty reasons for not allowing her to stay. Firstly they say it's not fair on Dasha (The Belarussian Girl We're Having over xmas), I don't see how that is a problem, As she has never known any difference. She wont be treated differently, and i would also think as Yasmin is the same sex, it would help things a little better. But obviously not. I then menetioned all this to my parents, and they came up with "It's just not right". And they dont seem to define this very well. Is it not like they trust me? That really put me down, There own son. They say, No its not that we dont trust you scott. So What is it then... Then can't put there finger on something. It really has gotten to me. Yasmin mentioned it last night, And i just burst into tears. What A Suprise eh....
She's on my mind considerebly much. I have a chamber in my brain just for this young lady :) Im not really happy anymore, theres always a memory lurking or just in general missing Yasmin. The last time i was as happy as when Yasmin was here, Was the last day she went, Actually the day before that. The last day is the worst.
Im thinking, After Christmas, Once I get a good amount of cash in the bank. I'll start driving lessons. And then from then on, my options are more broader. Say if i passed, And i got a car (Obviously not going to happen soon) But when i do, i could just drive down freely (obviously with in my timetable of college and work) But i keep thinking. Next Year or something, Not the summer coming, the one after. When ill be 18, I should have a good amount of money. I would love to take Yasmin on holiday. Just us too. Maybe im jumping to conclusions, But that would be so relaxing, or completly opposite, depending on whats happening or where we would go.
I seem to think me and yasmin will get back together. I know it could piss Yasmin off. But i honestly do think we have something, we always will. It's just the gap, the distance and over the internet/msn. It's not ideal, and we just get hurt, Yasmin more so (Bless her) I don't mean to hurt her, I honestly don't. I know it would of hurt last night in the conversation about confestions, But i hope she respected that i told her them. Im completly open to Yasmin now, Not as if we wasn't before. But Everything I Know Is what Yasmin knows.
I want to watch Yasming riding.
I want to walk on the beach with Yasmin.
I want to wake up and rollover and See Yasmin.
I want to walk to the beach again with Yasmin.
I want to do anything with Yasmin.
I want Yasmin to Know, I Want Her.
And Care, Respect, Most Importantly, Love Her.
She really does mean the world to me. She seems to be my world. I want to spend the rest of my days With Yasmin. With Out A Doubt. Hand On Heart.
Im Going to make her enjoy Elephant Juice :)
